The Top 5 Reasons Men Don't Get Laid

Some men are wise enough to know that a satisfying sex life is directly related to their efforts to give women what they want emotionally so they, as men, can get what they need physically. If your love life is on the skids, this 5 point checklist may give you an idea of what you are doing wrong.

(1) You Look Funny and Dress Weird

Remember your Mom saying "you never get a second chance to make a first impression?" Women are quick to size a guy up and make a judgment about his suitability for bedding. Really, we know in less than 60 seconds if we would ever sleep with you or not. Not saying we will, but we definitely know if we won't! And a lot of that is based on your visual presentation.

If you are past the age of 18, you should not be wearing jerseys, sneakers, baseball caps and jeans on dates...really, you shouldn't be wearing that attire anywhere. Dress like an adult why don'tcha? Baggy t-shirts are not appropriate attire for everyplace in the world. Big bellies, long unkempt hair, weird smells and dirty nails are not sexy.

If you are confused about a look that is flattering for your age and body type, visit a local men's clothier; buy a clue and an outfit.

(2) Your Expectations for What You Think You Should Have Are Whack

Why do broke, wrinkled 45 year old men think they have what it takes to date hot 21 year old college students? Why do you have a gut and three chins, but complain that a woman 15 lbs overweight is too fat and not sexy?

Many men have totally unrealistic expectations about their romantic value and feel deserving of a woman way out of their league. A woman that will be in your corner, provide you with a great sex life, and love you unconditionally is probably not going to fit the mass media image of a "perfect 10."

I mean, if she is so perfect, what would she want with you? Learn to stand on your own merit, and forget the idea that the woman you have on your arm somehow reflects on and makes you a better man. It doesn't.

(3) You Make Stupid Conversation

No matter how many nice dates you take a woman on or how much you spend to impress, you can be counted on to mess it all up with stupid conversation. You turn women off completely with juvenile sexual comments. What are you, 12?

Your idea of flirting is an overt sexual invitation. Your attempts at humor are insulting put downs, usually making the female gender the brunt of the joke. Your conversation is peppered with inappropriate one-liners.

If you ever took the time to notice anything about other people, you'd see you are the only one laughing. Dummy!

Your attempt to "get to know her" has you asking questions that focus on her body, underwear, sexual history or your lack of a sex life (like somebody cares!)

Grow up!

When you behave like a mature man you will be able to attract a mature woman into your bed.

(4) You're a Bitter, Angry Misogynist

Everyone past the age of 20 has experienced a broken heart; your hurt is no more important or special than anyone else's. The new women in your life don't care to hear about your stalker ex-girlfriend, how you got cheated on, how your ex won't let you see your child, how confused you are about why she left you at the altar, etc.

No one cares. Really.

The new woman does not want to be compared to the women of your past, even if we come out on top. We don't want to hear your theories about what "all women" do or think. Neither do we wish to be accused of negative behavior because of what some other woman did or said to you.

Walking on eggshells is boring.

You can either live in the past and wallow in your pain and self-pity, or live in the here and now and enjoy an active, positive, happy sex life. You pick.

(5) You're a Cheap, Stingy Ass Man

If you can't afford to take a woman out on a date, stay your butt at home - by yourself. Dating doesn't have to be horribly expensive, but a gentleman should NEVER ask a woman where she wants to go then balk at the cost.

Instead of leaving it to her and risking looking like a cheapskate, suggest a place, entertainment or event that is comfortably within your budget.

Asking a woman out for lunch then pulling out a 2-for-1 discount coupon is tacky. Picking up the bill as you tell her "your half is $X" is uncouth.

Smart women know a man stingy and cheap with a few dollars will tend to be stingy with his heart. And she won't stick around long enough for you to even get to first base.

Quick Answers to Three Common Dating Issues

In case you didn't know, I am a dating advice columnist as well as the author of a book entitled Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged! There is a link on the right there if you are interested in learning more about the book or ordering a copy from Amazon.

Gotta warn you though, I don't give "typical" advice. Far from it actually. But my stuff is REAL, okay? To give you a sample, I wanted to post three questions and my answers to them... common issues that come up frequently in dating situations, either FROM guys about women, or from women about guys. You can make your comments at the bottom.

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I really need to get over an ex. I've tried and tried and can't move on. What do I need to do? I'm sure she thinks I'm a stalker from calling and texting. I am making myself stop that today! Can you please give some advice?

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Every time you think about her, slap yourself. Hard. Every time you want to call her, stick your hand in a lighter flame and hold it there for 10 seconds.
It's called aversion therapy. Works like a charm.

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
How do I tell my fiancé about how when he skips a shower, I can smell his freaking butt. I've done his laundry before and he has freaking skid marks. Ewwwww! What do I do?

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:

(1) He is a big boy. Make him wash his own skidmarked drawers and stinky clothes.
(2) Tell him flatly: "go wash your ass, you smell!"
(3) Refuse to be near him until he washes his ass.

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a man of 35 with 3 beautiful kids and a working wife. I have a colleague who is 10 years my junior. She is married too. But we are deeply in love. It is love because we miss each other so dearly. There is no sex involved. Just love emails, poems and loving messages. We'll spend as much time as we possibly can afford to after work. I am thinking of her as I write these words to you.

Nobody knows about this beautiful relationship yet I just need to have someone like you who may help me in any way go through this complicating world of being in love and yet attached. Walking amidst the trees in parks of green... Sifting through sands on the beach... Walking in the rain...

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:

Oh give me a friggin' break! If there is no sex or physical intimacy, you just have a friendship with a lot of romantic cotton candy fantasy involved. You two romantic dreamers need to come back to the real world and work on sharing and creating those romantic feelings with your chosen life partners. Home is where the heart is, or at least that's where it SHOULD be.

I mean, if your wife were doing the same sneaky things you're doing with another man, would you feel happy about it? I'm sure you wouldn't be writing flowery words and "sifting through sand" then, now would you? What a knucklehead!

Saying I Love You When They Don't Really Mean It

Why do men say "I love you" to women when they don't mean it? Why don't they realize how much this deception deeply injures women and breaks their hearts?

Guys give lots of reasons to justify their untrue statements of love, though

none of them are honorable or make a bit of sense to women. Check out this list of lame excuses:

• Because that's what they want to hear before they'll have sex or do what I want!
• Becasue she kept saying it to me and waiting for me to say it back. I felt pressured!
• I just said it so she would finally stop asking me if I loved her or not!
• Isn't that what I am supposed to say after we've been going out for a month?
• She was going to break up with me and go out with another guy that she said loved her, and I didn't want her to leave me!
• What can I say... I meant it at that moment!

No dudes, you don't tell a woman that you love her unless you really, really mean it. You don't use those three little words to manipulate or control a woman. Only spineless weenies behave in such a fashion. Real men acknowledge their real feelings and share them openly and honestly. If you love a woman, have the courage to tell her.

Likewise, if you've been dating a few months and you still don't feel a growing attachment, deep affection and a desire to be around her enough to let things develop to the "love" level, break it off. Stop wasting your time and hers. Let her go to find a man that can truly love her the way she deserves to be loved.

And ladies, take a good look at the list above and use it to protect yourself. There are guys out there that WILL use your emotional openness and desire for love against you when it suits their purposes.

You must keep your head on your shoulders and remember that a man's love is demonstrated in ACTION, not just words. In other words, if you have a guy that says he loves you all the time, but his actions are hurtful or confusing and make you cry, you would do best to believe what your eyes are telling you and not what you hear.