Why Women Settle for Less in Relationships

Why Women Settle for Less in Relationships

An interesting discussion on the possible reasons why smart women that are accomplished, educated, professional women successful in every way we can think of settle for dumb relationships? There are hundreds of thousands of women in their early to mid 30s that did everything they were told to do - go to school, not have babies out of wedlock, date the nice guys. Yet they are without the husbands they are anxious to have... so anxious they are involving themselves in relationships that are not meeting their needs. But they won't leave!! Why might a woman do this to herself? Listen to the podcast and share your thoughts.

Dating in 2010: resolve to love with your head and heart to make the best relationship choices

Dating in 2010: resolve to love with your head and heart to make the best relationship choices

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Sometimes Being Single Sucks!

Today is my birthday, and it kinda sucks.

Every January 1st I make a couple of New Year's resolutions. This year I swore up and down that I would have a boyfriend by my birthday so that I could have someone to share it with. After all, the day of my birth really should be recognized as a National Holiday, that's how important it is!

But alas, though I go out on dates with people I met on the web, through friends, or just on my own, I haven't met the man that I would want to tie my kite string to and fly away with into Happily Ever After Land.

Being single has its positives, don't get me wrong. I go where I want to go whenever I want to, stay as long as I please, and don't have to answer to anyone about anything or consider anyone's feelings or opinions but my own. I can eat Captain Crunch for dinner, cold pizza for breakfast, and do my laundry only when I have no more clean underwear. Somehow I doubt that would fly if I had a husband.

So tonight I am going to go hang out with a few of my female friends. Some have husbands, some have boyfriends, and some are single like me. But they made time out of their busy lives to share a few hours with me to celebrate another year of my existence on this planet. And for that I am grateful and thankful. After all, husbands and boyfriends come and go, but true friends are forever.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Single Black Women and Workplace Sexual Harassment

I had a recent experience with sexual harassment in the workplace. Wasn’t anything that I couldn’t handle and I’m fine with how I ultimately handled the situation. What I want to share with you though is the widely disparate responses that both men and women had to the situation. Shockingly, many of them did not view these unwelcome, sexual comments and obscene gestures by my married male coworker as harassment. I was accused me of being "too sensitive," of "probably starting it!" and "a big baby" for seeing it as such.

In other words, a lot of people have a high tolerance for bullshit and mistreatment by men in the workplace, and think women control men and make them say and do these things. They also seemed to believe that women are supposed to accept male’s rude disrespect with a smile. Anyone that knows me knows for a fact that I AIN"T THAT WOMAN!

This is what happened.

I work part time as a personal trainer at a medically based fitness facility. This organization has a very strict policy against sexual harassment of both staff and patients/ members. A group of six trainers (males and females) were in the bullpen (where we store our belongings and client files, use the computer and make phone calls) talking about our fourth of July holiday weekend. We were laughingly discussing fireworks, food and family outings with the kids, nothing more.

Keep in mind I know these people, but have never dated any of them, don’t hang out with them outside of work, do not discuss my personal affairs with them, and have never had any type of personal discussion about our sex lives, not with even the women. All they know is that I am single and have a daughter. What I do outside of work is not their business and I don’t want to know about their love lives either.

So one by one their clients arrive and everyone walks off. I am left there waiting for my client with one of the male trainers, a married man in his late 40s. He initiates a conversation by starting to tell me about HIS weekend. He says that he went to this popular nightclub in San Francisco that

Saturday night, and how all the girlys had on super short skirts. He added "I had a hard-on the whole night!"

I was appalled at his statement and shocked that he would think that was something I wanted to hear. I frowned at him then said, "um hmm, and where was your wife?" He replied "oh she was there!" I then told him that it was great he had fun, but that I didn’t need to know all those details next time and that information was an over share and TMI. Trying to be cool and light about it and not cuss his audacious ass out, I walked off to join my client.

This week he seemed to spend a lot of time staring at me from various places around the gym. Really creepy stuff. Even my clients noticed it and commented, but they claimed to have noticed this behavior for the past few weeks, whereas I only noticed it THIS week after our exchange on Monday. Each day I become more watchful and suspicious of this guy’s motives.

(To read the rest of this post, click title link above)

Marriage? Bah Humbug! Who Needs That?

To quote philosopher Herbert Spencer: "Marriage is a word which should be pronounced ‘mirage’."

The vision that most people have of marriage and what they expect to get out of such a union is nothing but a mirage… a vision that they imagine exists but which does not and probably never has.

Marriage was established as a social and religious based institution, allegedly to protect women and children and provide them with a legitimized existence. In exchange for these benefits, women were expected to perform a wide range of carefully scripted duties, performed in a way that met their husband’s approval and needs. Men received a virgin bride, a dowry, someone to cook and clean their castle, a vehicle to bear his children, and a sexual servant.

The funny thing about having a protector though, is that in exchange you have no rights, no privileges, no voice, and no power. Women had to fight men to balance the scales of justice and self-respect, and men didn’t like it. No one fighting for survival should ever be expected to be "gentle."

Women realized decades ago that they got the raw end of the deal in marriage. Having to ask a man for money to buy tampons or get your nails done? I don’t think so! Traditional marriage with its limiting gender-based roles meant living your life for a man or children and giving up opportunities for self-expression, the right to have your own thoughts and opinions, and opportunities for growth and fulfillment that were meaningful on a personal level.

This is exactly why marriage is not attractive to women anymore. We can get pregnant and have a baby any time we want, and have sex whenever we want it. We are a vital part of the economy, we own property, vote, travel the world, run our own businesses, and dress the way we please.

There is no 50/50 in modern relationships! Men still expect women to be the perfect little Mrs., yet pull her own weight financially, take care of the kids, the house, and his needs. What is attractive about that?

And when a man claims to love you, why would he abandon you to shoulder such burdens alone? That crap isn’t demonstrating love at all! And when a woman feels abandoned, overburdened, exhausted, and angry, how could she trust the love her man proclaims to have for her?

Creating synergy in a relationship or marriage is the responsibility of the male. You want to be the leader and the head of the household, then take the reins and effect positive change!

Remember, modern women don’t NEED a husband anymore, but many still WANT one… as long as he can respect the fact that her world includes him, but does not revolve around him.

10 YourTango Users Who Rock - YourTango

10 YourTango Users Who Rock - YourTango

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Dangers of The Undefined Relationship

The other day I blogged about men and the meaning of "a relationship," and why women prefer that their relationship with a gentleman be defined as boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancee, husband and wife or even FWB, as long as there is clarity. Women want nothing to do with this limboland nonsense which leaves things open to interpretation and the whims of the moment. Here's why:

Yesterday I got an emotional phone call from a woman I've known for years. She's in her mid-30s, very attractive, smart, and funny, with the kind of figure men like to look at (big butt, big boobs, all in proportion). She's been "kicikin' it" with this guy we'll call "Donald" (early 30s) for the past 7 or 8 months, though from what I know it hasn't been serious.

However, she told me a week or so ago that Donald had spoken about making things more committed, how much he liked her, and wanted to spend more consistent time with her. But nothing had happened... yet. She was thrilled to hear that news however because she really likes this dude. Now she is furious and heartbroken.

She stopped by Donald's job yesterday. They're talking and he introduces her to a few of his coworkers. They are checking her out curiously, but no one was disrespectful or flirtatious at all. She'd planned to stay no more than 5-7 minutes.

A few minutes later a regular customer comes into the store and is checking my friend out. He sees her standing very closely to Donald and starts to make some kind of joke. Donald jokes back with him and says a few words. After the guy gets what he needs he came back by. She sees Donald and this guy exchanging more words. My friend is standing on the other side of the store at this time, and doesn't find out until later that when the guy asked for clarification and said "oh, so that's not your girl?" Donald told him no.

This is when it gets interesting.

The guy goes out to his car and returns with one of his business cards. My friend is stunned when he walks up to her and starts talking to her about his business and how he can help her with her taxes. She goes along with the conversation as the guy wasn't disrespectful or anything, but of course she couldn't wait to ask Donald what the heck was going on!

When confronted, Donald claims he had no idea the guy would go out to his car and get his card and try to make a move. My friend asked him what he thought the guy was inquiring about their relationship for if he was not interested and wanted to make sure that the coast was clear!? From my perspective, Donald gave this fella the signal that this attractive woman is single and available. Donald claimed it was all innocent, and tried to make it seem like she was out of pocket for getting upset. He even told her that her hurt feelings was reason enough for them to not be together because he does things that would always have her angry. It wasn't his fault anyway. You know, the typical male defensiveness.

Humiliated and choking back tears, she left the store in a huff and headed home. That's when she called me.

He claimed her feelings are too easily hurt and that is why they would not be good together as a couple. To me his words and behavior demonstrate that he cares very much for her, but for some reason doesn't feel that he has enough "heat" to hold her interest. Also, though he apparently is close to her, he is also still on the fence about making a deeper commitment. From her reports he is slowly moving in that direction, but he wasn't ready to acknowledge in front of his friends/coworkers how he truly felt about this woman.

This was a sad situation. She happily came into the store to visit with him for a few minutes and left feeling cheap, used and embarrassed at her feelings for this jerk. We talked about it for quite awhile, and even with all my experience with men, I had a hard time figuring out why he would put her in the position of being forced to deal with the man's flirtatious behavior right in front of everyone until I decided it must be his way of running The Ho Test.

What he apparently didn't realize is how she would take his behavior, how his words and actions were interpreted both by the Inquiring Fella and his coworkers. She felt totally and publicly humiliated at his refusal to confirm to Inquiring Fella that this woman was tied to him. Donald's behavior could only be interpreted by more astute minds to be that he was letting everyone in the store know she didn't mean shit to him - not really. After all, would a man that really wanted a woman be so quick to deny any association between them?

This scenario is a perfect example of why women must not allow men to "free-style" as my writing partner Alvin puts it. Give a man a reasonable period of time to make a decision about your rightness for him and get on board, but you must have a defining relationship conversation with him no later than 90 days after your association begins. From thousands of conversations with men, I know for a fact that a man knows if you are the woman for him or not long before 90 days elapses. Life is too short to waste months or years with a man that does not see you as more than an option in his life, and women should stop hanging on and trying to force something that will never be.

Love and relationships with our loved ones is the glue that holds humanity together, that bonds us to family and friends, and brings us peace and joy-filled memories in our senior years. But in order for a casual relationship to develop depth, trust, and a deep unyielding love, it is mandatory that the relationship be acknowledged both privately and publicly.

The association between the couple must be discussed and defined with strict boundaries and expectations for performance with regards to time spent together, friends, accountability, sexual exclusivity, and your title which reflects the commitment you've made to each other. Don't allow yourself to be adrift in a sea with no paddle, no motor and no direction for your romantic relationships.

The Top 5 Reasons Men Don't Get Laid

Some men are wise enough to know that a satisfying sex life is directly related to their efforts to give women what they want emotionally so they, as men, can get what they need physically. If your love life is on the skids, this 5 point checklist may give you an idea of what you are doing wrong.

(1) You Look Funny and Dress Weird

Remember your Mom saying "you never get a second chance to make a first impression?" Women are quick to size a guy up and make a judgment about his suitability for bedding. Really, we know in less than 60 seconds if we would ever sleep with you or not. Not saying we will, but we definitely know if we won't! And a lot of that is based on your visual presentation.

If you are past the age of 18, you should not be wearing jerseys, sneakers, baseball caps and jeans on dates...really, you shouldn't be wearing that attire anywhere. Dress like an adult why don'tcha? Baggy t-shirts are not appropriate attire for everyplace in the world. Big bellies, long unkempt hair, weird smells and dirty nails are not sexy.

If you are confused about a look that is flattering for your age and body type, visit a local men's clothier; buy a clue and an outfit.

(2) Your Expectations for What You Think You Should Have Are Whack

Why do broke, wrinkled 45 year old men think they have what it takes to date hot 21 year old college students? Why do you have a gut and three chins, but complain that a woman 15 lbs overweight is too fat and not sexy?

Many men have totally unrealistic expectations about their romantic value and feel deserving of a woman way out of their league. A woman that will be in your corner, provide you with a great sex life, and love you unconditionally is probably not going to fit the mass media image of a "perfect 10."

I mean, if she is so perfect, what would she want with you? Learn to stand on your own merit, and forget the idea that the woman you have on your arm somehow reflects on and makes you a better man. It doesn't.

(3) You Make Stupid Conversation

No matter how many nice dates you take a woman on or how much you spend to impress, you can be counted on to mess it all up with stupid conversation. You turn women off completely with juvenile sexual comments. What are you, 12?

Your idea of flirting is an overt sexual invitation. Your attempts at humor are insulting put downs, usually making the female gender the brunt of the joke. Your conversation is peppered with inappropriate one-liners.

If you ever took the time to notice anything about other people, you'd see you are the only one laughing. Dummy!

Your attempt to "get to know her" has you asking questions that focus on her body, underwear, sexual history or your lack of a sex life (like somebody cares!)

Grow up!

When you behave like a mature man you will be able to attract a mature woman into your bed.

(4) You're a Bitter, Angry Misogynist

Everyone past the age of 20 has experienced a broken heart; your hurt is no more important or special than anyone else's. The new women in your life don't care to hear about your stalker ex-girlfriend, how you got cheated on, how your ex won't let you see your child, how confused you are about why she left you at the altar, etc.

No one cares. Really.

The new woman does not want to be compared to the women of your past, even if we come out on top. We don't want to hear your theories about what "all women" do or think. Neither do we wish to be accused of negative behavior because of what some other woman did or said to you.

Walking on eggshells is boring.

You can either live in the past and wallow in your pain and self-pity, or live in the here and now and enjoy an active, positive, happy sex life. You pick.

(5) You're a Cheap, Stingy Ass Man

If you can't afford to take a woman out on a date, stay your butt at home - by yourself. Dating doesn't have to be horribly expensive, but a gentleman should NEVER ask a woman where she wants to go then balk at the cost.

Instead of leaving it to her and risking looking like a cheapskate, suggest a place, entertainment or event that is comfortably within your budget.

Asking a woman out for lunch then pulling out a 2-for-1 discount coupon is tacky. Picking up the bill as you tell her "your half is $X" is uncouth.

Smart women know a man stingy and cheap with a few dollars will tend to be stingy with his heart. And she won't stick around long enough for you to even get to first base.

Quick Answers to Three Common Dating Issues

In case you didn't know, I am a dating advice columnist as well as the author of a book entitled Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged! There is a link on the right there if you are interested in learning more about the book or ordering a copy from Amazon.

Gotta warn you though, I don't give "typical" advice. Far from it actually. But my stuff is REAL, okay? To give you a sample, I wanted to post three questions and my answers to them... common issues that come up frequently in dating situations, either FROM guys about women, or from women about guys. You can make your comments at the bottom.

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I really need to get over an ex. I've tried and tried and can't move on. What do I need to do? I'm sure she thinks I'm a stalker from calling and texting. I am making myself stop that today! Can you please give some advice?

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Every time you think about her, slap yourself. Hard. Every time you want to call her, stick your hand in a lighter flame and hold it there for 10 seconds.
It's called aversion therapy. Works like a charm.

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
How do I tell my fiancé about how when he skips a shower, I can smell his freaking butt. I've done his laundry before and he has freaking skid marks. Ewwwww! What do I do?

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:

(1) He is a big boy. Make him wash his own skidmarked drawers and stinky clothes.
(2) Tell him flatly: "go wash your ass, you smell!"
(3) Refuse to be near him until he washes his ass.

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a man of 35 with 3 beautiful kids and a working wife. I have a colleague who is 10 years my junior. She is married too. But we are deeply in love. It is love because we miss each other so dearly. There is no sex involved. Just love emails, poems and loving messages. We'll spend as much time as we possibly can afford to after work. I am thinking of her as I write these words to you.

Nobody knows about this beautiful relationship yet I just need to have someone like you who may help me in any way go through this complicating world of being in love and yet attached. Walking amidst the trees in parks of green... Sifting through sands on the beach... Walking in the rain...

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:

Oh give me a friggin' break! If there is no sex or physical intimacy, you just have a friendship with a lot of romantic cotton candy fantasy involved. You two romantic dreamers need to come back to the real world and work on sharing and creating those romantic feelings with your chosen life partners. Home is where the heart is, or at least that's where it SHOULD be.

I mean, if your wife were doing the same sneaky things you're doing with another man, would you feel happy about it? I'm sure you wouldn't be writing flowery words and "sifting through sand" then, now would you? What a knucklehead!

Saying I Love You When They Don't Really Mean It

Why do men say "I love you" to women when they don't mean it? Why don't they realize how much this deception deeply injures women and breaks their hearts?

Guys give lots of reasons to justify their untrue statements of love, though

none of them are honorable or make a bit of sense to women. Check out this list of lame excuses:

• Because that's what they want to hear before they'll have sex or do what I want!
• Becasue she kept saying it to me and waiting for me to say it back. I felt pressured!
• I just said it so she would finally stop asking me if I loved her or not!
• Isn't that what I am supposed to say after we've been going out for a month?
• She was going to break up with me and go out with another guy that she said loved her, and I didn't want her to leave me!
• What can I say... I meant it at that moment!

No dudes, you don't tell a woman that you love her unless you really, really mean it. You don't use those three little words to manipulate or control a woman. Only spineless weenies behave in such a fashion. Real men acknowledge their real feelings and share them openly and honestly. If you love a woman, have the courage to tell her.

Likewise, if you've been dating a few months and you still don't feel a growing attachment, deep affection and a desire to be around her enough to let things develop to the "love" level, break it off. Stop wasting your time and hers. Let her go to find a man that can truly love her the way she deserves to be loved.

And ladies, take a good look at the list above and use it to protect yourself. There are guys out there that WILL use your emotional openness and desire for love against you when it suits their purposes.

You must keep your head on your shoulders and remember that a man's love is demonstrated in ACTION, not just words. In other words, if you have a guy that says he loves you all the time, but his actions are hurtful or confusing and make you cry, you would do best to believe what your eyes are telling you and not what you hear.