Single Black Women and Workplace Sexual Harassment

I had a recent experience with sexual harassment in the workplace. Wasn’t anything that I couldn’t handle and I’m fine with how I ultimately handled the situation. What I want to share with you though is the widely disparate responses that both men and women had to the situation. Shockingly, many of them did not view these unwelcome, sexual comments and obscene gestures by my married male coworker as harassment. I was accused me of being "too sensitive," of "probably starting it!" and "a big baby" for seeing it as such.

In other words, a lot of people have a high tolerance for bullshit and mistreatment by men in the workplace, and think women control men and make them say and do these things. They also seemed to believe that women are supposed to accept male’s rude disrespect with a smile. Anyone that knows me knows for a fact that I AIN"T THAT WOMAN!

This is what happened.

I work part time as a personal trainer at a medically based fitness facility. This organization has a very strict policy against sexual harassment of both staff and patients/ members. A group of six trainers (males and females) were in the bullpen (where we store our belongings and client files, use the computer and make phone calls) talking about our fourth of July holiday weekend. We were laughingly discussing fireworks, food and family outings with the kids, nothing more.

Keep in mind I know these people, but have never dated any of them, don’t hang out with them outside of work, do not discuss my personal affairs with them, and have never had any type of personal discussion about our sex lives, not with even the women. All they know is that I am single and have a daughter. What I do outside of work is not their business and I don’t want to know about their love lives either.

So one by one their clients arrive and everyone walks off. I am left there waiting for my client with one of the male trainers, a married man in his late 40s. He initiates a conversation by starting to tell me about HIS weekend. He says that he went to this popular nightclub in San Francisco that

Saturday night, and how all the girlys had on super short skirts. He added "I had a hard-on the whole night!"

I was appalled at his statement and shocked that he would think that was something I wanted to hear. I frowned at him then said, "um hmm, and where was your wife?" He replied "oh she was there!" I then told him that it was great he had fun, but that I didn’t need to know all those details next time and that information was an over share and TMI. Trying to be cool and light about it and not cuss his audacious ass out, I walked off to join my client.

This week he seemed to spend a lot of time staring at me from various places around the gym. Really creepy stuff. Even my clients noticed it and commented, but they claimed to have noticed this behavior for the past few weeks, whereas I only noticed it THIS week after our exchange on Monday. Each day I become more watchful and suspicious of this guy’s motives.

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Marriage? Bah Humbug! Who Needs That?

To quote philosopher Herbert Spencer: "Marriage is a word which should be pronounced ‘mirage’."

The vision that most people have of marriage and what they expect to get out of such a union is nothing but a mirage… a vision that they imagine exists but which does not and probably never has.

Marriage was established as a social and religious based institution, allegedly to protect women and children and provide them with a legitimized existence. In exchange for these benefits, women were expected to perform a wide range of carefully scripted duties, performed in a way that met their husband’s approval and needs. Men received a virgin bride, a dowry, someone to cook and clean their castle, a vehicle to bear his children, and a sexual servant.

The funny thing about having a protector though, is that in exchange you have no rights, no privileges, no voice, and no power. Women had to fight men to balance the scales of justice and self-respect, and men didn’t like it. No one fighting for survival should ever be expected to be "gentle."

Women realized decades ago that they got the raw end of the deal in marriage. Having to ask a man for money to buy tampons or get your nails done? I don’t think so! Traditional marriage with its limiting gender-based roles meant living your life for a man or children and giving up opportunities for self-expression, the right to have your own thoughts and opinions, and opportunities for growth and fulfillment that were meaningful on a personal level.

This is exactly why marriage is not attractive to women anymore. We can get pregnant and have a baby any time we want, and have sex whenever we want it. We are a vital part of the economy, we own property, vote, travel the world, run our own businesses, and dress the way we please.

There is no 50/50 in modern relationships! Men still expect women to be the perfect little Mrs., yet pull her own weight financially, take care of the kids, the house, and his needs. What is attractive about that?

And when a man claims to love you, why would he abandon you to shoulder such burdens alone? That crap isn’t demonstrating love at all! And when a woman feels abandoned, overburdened, exhausted, and angry, how could she trust the love her man proclaims to have for her?

Creating synergy in a relationship or marriage is the responsibility of the male. You want to be the leader and the head of the household, then take the reins and effect positive change!

Remember, modern women don’t NEED a husband anymore, but many still WANT one… as long as he can respect the fact that her world includes him, but does not revolve around him.

10 YourTango Users Who Rock - YourTango

10 YourTango Users Who Rock - YourTango

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Dangers of The Undefined Relationship

The other day I blogged about men and the meaning of "a relationship," and why women prefer that their relationship with a gentleman be defined as boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancee, husband and wife or even FWB, as long as there is clarity. Women want nothing to do with this limboland nonsense which leaves things open to interpretation and the whims of the moment. Here's why:

Yesterday I got an emotional phone call from a woman I've known for years. She's in her mid-30s, very attractive, smart, and funny, with the kind of figure men like to look at (big butt, big boobs, all in proportion). She's been "kicikin' it" with this guy we'll call "Donald" (early 30s) for the past 7 or 8 months, though from what I know it hasn't been serious.

However, she told me a week or so ago that Donald had spoken about making things more committed, how much he liked her, and wanted to spend more consistent time with her. But nothing had happened... yet. She was thrilled to hear that news however because she really likes this dude. Now she is furious and heartbroken.

She stopped by Donald's job yesterday. They're talking and he introduces her to a few of his coworkers. They are checking her out curiously, but no one was disrespectful or flirtatious at all. She'd planned to stay no more than 5-7 minutes.

A few minutes later a regular customer comes into the store and is checking my friend out. He sees her standing very closely to Donald and starts to make some kind of joke. Donald jokes back with him and says a few words. After the guy gets what he needs he came back by. She sees Donald and this guy exchanging more words. My friend is standing on the other side of the store at this time, and doesn't find out until later that when the guy asked for clarification and said "oh, so that's not your girl?" Donald told him no.

This is when it gets interesting.

The guy goes out to his car and returns with one of his business cards. My friend is stunned when he walks up to her and starts talking to her about his business and how he can help her with her taxes. She goes along with the conversation as the guy wasn't disrespectful or anything, but of course she couldn't wait to ask Donald what the heck was going on!

When confronted, Donald claims he had no idea the guy would go out to his car and get his card and try to make a move. My friend asked him what he thought the guy was inquiring about their relationship for if he was not interested and wanted to make sure that the coast was clear!? From my perspective, Donald gave this fella the signal that this attractive woman is single and available. Donald claimed it was all innocent, and tried to make it seem like she was out of pocket for getting upset. He even told her that her hurt feelings was reason enough for them to not be together because he does things that would always have her angry. It wasn't his fault anyway. You know, the typical male defensiveness.

Humiliated and choking back tears, she left the store in a huff and headed home. That's when she called me.

He claimed her feelings are too easily hurt and that is why they would not be good together as a couple. To me his words and behavior demonstrate that he cares very much for her, but for some reason doesn't feel that he has enough "heat" to hold her interest. Also, though he apparently is close to her, he is also still on the fence about making a deeper commitment. From her reports he is slowly moving in that direction, but he wasn't ready to acknowledge in front of his friends/coworkers how he truly felt about this woman.

This was a sad situation. She happily came into the store to visit with him for a few minutes and left feeling cheap, used and embarrassed at her feelings for this jerk. We talked about it for quite awhile, and even with all my experience with men, I had a hard time figuring out why he would put her in the position of being forced to deal with the man's flirtatious behavior right in front of everyone until I decided it must be his way of running The Ho Test.

What he apparently didn't realize is how she would take his behavior, how his words and actions were interpreted both by the Inquiring Fella and his coworkers. She felt totally and publicly humiliated at his refusal to confirm to Inquiring Fella that this woman was tied to him. Donald's behavior could only be interpreted by more astute minds to be that he was letting everyone in the store know she didn't mean shit to him - not really. After all, would a man that really wanted a woman be so quick to deny any association between them?

This scenario is a perfect example of why women must not allow men to "free-style" as my writing partner Alvin puts it. Give a man a reasonable period of time to make a decision about your rightness for him and get on board, but you must have a defining relationship conversation with him no later than 90 days after your association begins. From thousands of conversations with men, I know for a fact that a man knows if you are the woman for him or not long before 90 days elapses. Life is too short to waste months or years with a man that does not see you as more than an option in his life, and women should stop hanging on and trying to force something that will never be.

Love and relationships with our loved ones is the glue that holds humanity together, that bonds us to family and friends, and brings us peace and joy-filled memories in our senior years. But in order for a casual relationship to develop depth, trust, and a deep unyielding love, it is mandatory that the relationship be acknowledged both privately and publicly.

The association between the couple must be discussed and defined with strict boundaries and expectations for performance with regards to time spent together, friends, accountability, sexual exclusivity, and your title which reflects the commitment you've made to each other. Don't allow yourself to be adrift in a sea with no paddle, no motor and no direction for your romantic relationships.