Quick Answers to Three Common Dating Issues

In case you didn't know, I am a dating advice columnist as well as the author of a book entitled Sucka Free Love - How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged! There is a link on the right there if you are interested in learning more about the book or ordering a copy from Amazon.

Gotta warn you though, I don't give "typical" advice. Far from it actually. But my stuff is REAL, okay? To give you a sample, I wanted to post three questions and my answers to them... common issues that come up frequently in dating situations, either FROM guys about women, or from women about guys. You can make your comments at the bottom.

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I really need to get over an ex. I've tried and tried and can't move on. What do I need to do? I'm sure she thinks I'm a stalker from calling and texting. I am making myself stop that today! Can you please give some advice?

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Every time you think about her, slap yourself. Hard. Every time you want to call her, stick your hand in a lighter flame and hold it there for 10 seconds.
It's called aversion therapy. Works like a charm.

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
How do I tell my fiancé about how when he skips a shower, I can smell his freaking butt. I've done his laundry before and he has freaking skid marks. Ewwwww! What do I do?

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:

(1) He is a big boy. Make him wash his own skidmarked drawers and stinky clothes.
(2) Tell him flatly: "go wash your ass, you smell!"
(3) Refuse to be near him until he washes his ass.

Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a man of 35 with 3 beautiful kids and a working wife. I have a colleague who is 10 years my junior. She is married too. But we are deeply in love. It is love because we miss each other so dearly. There is no sex involved. Just love emails, poems and loving messages. We'll spend as much time as we possibly can afford to after work. I am thinking of her as I write these words to you.

Nobody knows about this beautiful relationship yet I just need to have someone like you who may help me in any way go through this complicating world of being in love and yet attached. Walking amidst the trees in parks of green... Sifting through sands on the beach... Walking in the rain...

Ms. HeartBeat Responds:

Oh give me a friggin' break! If there is no sex or physical intimacy, you just have a friendship with a lot of romantic cotton candy fantasy involved. You two romantic dreamers need to come back to the real world and work on sharing and creating those romantic feelings with your chosen life partners. Home is where the heart is, or at least that's where it SHOULD be.

I mean, if your wife were doing the same sneaky things you're doing with another man, would you feel happy about it? I'm sure you wouldn't be writing flowery words and "sifting through sand" then, now would you? What a knucklehead!